For some time now I have been meaning to write an article on weddings in America. The urge came upon me suddenly and violently as a response to the tacky and stupid things I was seeing on the ‘wedinator’ website. It showcased Men showing their hairy naked butts to the camera for pictures. Cakes were made into star wars action figures. Photos of animals having sex behind the bride and groom pretending to have sex came in multiples! Zombie weddings and Arial photo shots were the norm.
This is an abomination and these people should never have been allowed near an attendants table, let alone an altar. Our culture of ‘do whatever you feel like’ and ‘anything goes because we are all showing who we are as individuals’ has gone too far and as regards weddings does a detriment to the institution and to the memories these people will have throughout the years. I mean, who in their right mind will look back and say to themselves-that camouflage bridal party sure does look swell-I am so glad I had that idea.
Instead, I believe that Emily post had it right. There are guidelines that must be followed in order to have optimum nuptials. The big day (hopefully) only happens once so you might as well get it right. And by right I mean- decent, tasteful, original, timely, and ordered. There is no reason why you cannot have a beautiful service and reception that you are proud of and are comfortable working within while still putting your own personal stamp on things.
I am sure that Emily would be turning over in her grave if she knew about skydive ceremonies and middle of nowhere jungle destinations. Some people have no idea what is in style or what is just a fad. Some people do not realize that something they think is cool now will haunt them later. Some people are just plain tacky. This shouldn’t be allowed.
Another pet peeve of mine is the nerd wedding. I cannot stand a wedding where the groom’s toys are allowed to take precedent and attention away from the happy couple. What guest wants to see cousin jimmy’s Pokémon collection decorating the cake table? Some people are just clueless and should be taken in hand, no matter how much they bulk in the beginning. There is no excuse for repugnancy. It’s time to get a clue, get a life, and do this right.
Perhaps even worse than an erring couple is the guest who is so asinine as to omit a gift and bring an uninvited boyfriend instead. Or the guest who wears all white or all black and complains about the food and table favors. Or the invited relative who never replies to the invite and either shows up unannounced or never at all. Or even the guest who arrives only at the reception, and after the food is served, leaves as soon as he has had his fill. Who are these people? They are the lazy, clueless, and unfeeling. Being a guest plays a part in the happy couple’s big day. After all, they invited you to the shindig, why slight them?
Rules are established for good reasons. They allow people to know which part they play and how to give accordingly. They allow worried brides and scared grooms to relax and enjoy a wonderful day. Some rules are meant to be broken, but overall they work for everyone in every circumstance. I intend to navigate the journey towards wedded bliss and relate the rules that I think are universal and important to marriage etiquette.
Firstly, a couple does not need a wedding planner to have a great wedding day. If they are serious about getting married, this day should be a stepping stone to bigger and better things, not the be all and end all/pivotal part of your lives. Keep in mind who you want to celebrate with and what are the most important wedding ideas that you have. These things will guide you, as will the guidelines below. Keep in good communication with the bridal party, parents, and each other.
engagements are a wonderful thing and can be celebrated in a variety of ways. If a couple decides to take engagement photos it is customary to pick one good shot to send to people in a card or as the card itself. People who send a ton of pictures with their announcement are showing the receiver that they think very highly of themselves and are pretentious and boring. Most people do not want to look at all of the glossies and then have the problem of storing more unwanted photos because of it. One need not announce an engagement, this is optional. An engagement party is also optional and is usually a ‘friends only’ affair that the bride and groom both attend. Family parties or dinners are sometimes given. It is optional to bring a gift to such events.
After the engagement a time of 9 months to 1 year or more is usually needed to plan a proper wedding. The venue reservation is always the biggest obstacle to procuring the date one covets and should be done soon after the ring is acquired. The venue could be a lake or a cathedral, no matter, but it must be sheltered from the wind and have enough seating for the elderly (and for everyone if the service is longer than 25 minutes). Have a back up venue incase rain decides to visit your outside ideal. Also, it is a good idea to case the area to ensure that all guests can see the officiate and couple, as well as hear them.
Nowadays the bride’s family alone does not have to pay for the venue and etc…now the couple and the groom’s family may chip in as well. One family could pay for the ceremony and one for the reception. Or the groom’s family could pay for the honeymoon, or even the couple themselves. There are no longer rules on this but by default the bride’s parents host If no one steps up to the plate.
Depending on the venue, the theme of the event is set. If you are getting married in a castle do not decorate with pink crepe and balloons. If you are wedding in a modern art gallery a more chic shorter gown would make more sense than a long sleeved romantic lace number. Try to get the feel for what era and niche you are going for. Do not be too specific as guest may not get it (such as owls and bulldozers, a horrid combination anyway) and decorating options will be limited. If your budget is extremely tight and you must have the reception in a gym, this does not mean that you can skimp on the centerpieces. Metal folding chairs and pop up plastic tables will not do. Picnic tables would be a better option.
After the venue is booked a theme will start to come to you. Please do not pick origami cranes as your table decorations if they have no special meaning to you or do not correspond to the rest of the theme. Themes should be easily recognizable and not too trendy. A good way to go is add a touch of fad but mostly stick to a classic. The worst thing to do is pick fad colors that you don’t even like. Parings like red and turquoise and royal purple and yellow can only be done tastefully in a handful of situations. Coral and lime green are popular right now. If you love these colors and think you will for time immemorial, then go for it. Otherwise see it as the fad it is and play it safe (think of all of the gold lame from the ‘80’s).
Here are some themes that I think are within the boundaries of good taste while still allowing for whimsicality: Barn dance/quilt; English garden; rose garden; wildflower field; beach; new age/summer solstice/winter solstice; spring; autumn; summer; winter/Christmas/winter wonderland; a midsummer night’s dream/fairy; museum of art or natural history; diamonds; champagne/black tie; chandelier and crystals/valentine’s day; southern belle; Irish/Scottish; high mass; fruits (strawberries, pears, apples, or oranges); Hollywood glamour; tiffany’s; country; 4th of July/American; Indian; Asian; Mediterranean; Spanish; African; big band/40s/swing; roaring ‘20s; Victorian; gothic; Hawaiian; fairy princess (Disney offers these packages now); seashore; going to a ball; or masquerade.
you could even center it around a favorite place of significance to both of you, or a certain food item you enjoy together. But don’t do something as trite as starbucks-make coffee your own and be creatively tasteful with your own ideas. The idea is not to get too caught up in a concept that is all about something that will not last the next 30 years.
Bridesmaids’ dresses are easy if you remember to pick a style and cut that is flattering on the girls in attendance. Full busts can look obscene in some tops. Larger women need extra coverage. Young women shouldn’t look too old or too sexy. Wide shoulders might not look so good in spaghetti straps. With the wide variety of styles available it is relatively easy to find a universally flattering dress. Remember that these girls are there to support you so you don’t want them to wear a burlap sack of a dress and look like pillow cases just so you can look better. It will ruin your pictures if the girls look bad. The dresses should fit them, not be so tight as to look sluttish or so loose as to evoke scenes from Casper. If the dresses fit, you have done your job. If at all possible, try to pick dresses that they can wear to other occasions.
If you have enough money to cover the cost of the dresses and shoes for the girls, do so. Do not skimp in this department. They will remember it and return the favor if they can. They will be very grateful. It is tacky to ask your party to buy their own garments if you can afford to do it for them. If you are working on a limited budget, see if there is something you can forgo in order to provide them with their attire. If not, then go ahead and ask them to buy the dresses and shoes themselves.
I think it goes without saying that bridesmaid’s wearing all the same dresses and all the same shoes look better then unmatching patterns. If the girls end up having two different styles alternate them in the altar line. Do not have more than two styles of dresses unless they are exactly the same color and brand. I think the new idea of having matching bottom skirts and tailored handpicked tops is cool, but maids wearing totally different dresses is unacceptable. The maid/matron of honor may have a different dress then the others as long as it is either the same or similar color and in keeping with the general theme. Her dress must not be more elaborate then the bridal gown of course. If at all possible, get them into the same shoes. If they aren’t uniform people will be looking at their shoes and not at you. Keep their hairstyles modest but up to date. Their hair must not upstage yours.
Giving gifts to the bridesmaids is customary and need be no more than jewelry from kohl’s, although a personal touch is better. The groomsmen get a small gift each as well. They may receive cufflinks or a tie clasp or something personal that is part of an inside joke. The parent’s outfits need not match at all but should not be too flashy or revealing. Buying the parents gifts is optional.
The best man and maid/matron of honor must be trustworthy and loyal. Their job is to keep track of the rings and throw the bachelor/bachelorette parties. They can also come in super handy on the day of the wedding when last minute things need doing and feathers need smoothing. Picking the rest of the party needn’t be difficult. Pick from between 3 and 8 attendants for each side unless it is a small wedding (under 70 guests) in which case you may have less. Any more or less looks ridiculous. The norm is 6. Flower girls and ring bearers are not needed unless the couple wants to include young relatives as a favor to the parents or otherwise. The women and men in attendance should be close friends and relatives that you talk to at least monthly. If a married friend or relative is included in the party, the spouse need not be.
Now for the bridal gown. This is one area where many a bride could have done better. The wedding dress is something a girl dreams of for many years prior to the big event. She may envision herself as a fairy princess or an Audrey Hepburn type goddess. However, many women do not look like fairy princesses or Audrey Hepburn, nor will they ever. They have a different body to work with. A canvas as dynamic as a body needs a good fit and a good style to show off the natural assets (and yes, everyone has some sparkling aspect of themselves that can be showcased). If a woman has wide shoulders but large eyes, use a halter to break up the shoulders and lead the eyes upward towards the neck and then the face. If a woman is tall and flat chested, ruffles and exaggerated layers will fill out and shorten the bodyline.
One must keep the theme of the wedding in mind all the while remembering that the dress you picture in your mind may not exist or look good on you. Study fitting charts to see which cuts look best on your body and gravitate towards them in the store. Even if one looks ugly on the rack, try it on anyway, you do not want to miss a diamond in the rough. If you find the perfect dress but can’t afford it, consider hiring a dressmaker. Short, tall, wide, and narrow brides will all have problems and limited options but they can be overcome with added perseverance. The dress must be comfortable and fit correctly. It must not bunch, pinch or push up your breasts to the sky. It should sweep the floor, showing no shoe. If the dress is of a shorter variety it should not be a miniskirt (save it for the club, or better yet, the honeymoon). If you do not want to go for a traditional white or crème color dress there are many beautiful options out nowadays. But remember, it must not look like a prom dress or beauty pageant rag. One must know immediately that they are looking at a wedding dress, not just a debutante’s gown.
Your shoes should reflect the venue. If the nuptials are on a beach, please do not wear high heels. You will be sinking into the sand with every step. Instead wear some nice sandals or thongs. Right now it is popular to wear unorthodox color pumps as a pop in the otherwise white ensemble. I see no problem with this as long as the shoes are not seen from under the dress until the garter toss.
The vows themselves should reflect the genuine feeling that you have for each other and the commitment you intend to embark upon. If the traditional vows do not fit your beliefs or needs then by all means write your own. However, there are a few provisos that I think you should bear in mind. Do not make them too long because then people will get bored and stop listening. Do not make them too short because they will not reflect how you really feel about the marriage. They should be solemn or lighthearted as much as the church/venue is formal or casual. The traditional vows used to say ‘man and wife’ but most officiates now use the adapted ‘husband and wife.’ Another thing that has changed is the walk down the aisle. Now the bride may be accompanied by her father, her mother, both parents, a brother, uncle, or stepdad/stepmom, or she may walk alone.
As is customary, the invitations must be sent out 3-1 month before the wedding itself. Save the date cards would have been sent at least 4 months before. You may either let the guests know where you are registered by a website or the save the date card. You may not alert them to your registry via the wedding invite itself. If more than ¼ of your guests are not internet savvy you may not request reply by website, otherwise you may. Unless the majority of the guests invited earn upwards of $80,000 a year do not ask for money gifts or monetary donations towards a charity, your vacation, or your new boat. Alienating the guests is never a good thing and you do now want to appear too materialist to middleclass relatives and friends.
Guests should buy at least a $30 gift if they are acquaintances and at least a $50 gift if a closer relative or friend. The bridal party attendants remain under this rule, they are not required to give more than $50 in gifts to the couple. Bachelors are exempt from buying a present and may bring a check but otherwise a gift is required. Gifts can be sent from two weeks before the wedding to two weeks after the wedding (or after the honeymoon if it is longer than 2 weeks) to either the couple’s home or one of the parent’s homes. Bringing gifts to the reception is a normal custom but sometimes the family will be burdened with keeping track of the gifts and hauling them home. Use your own judgment on this.
Guests are not required to attend showers they are invited to unless they are close to the bride. Shower gifts can range from $20-$70 depending on your relation to the bride and income level at the time. A shower is typically thrown by relatives or the maid/matron of honor. At bachelorette parties the women in attendance may buy the bride lingerie and other sexual items and must pay for her drinks, food, and entrance fees to any and all activities of the night. The groomsmen pay for the groom at his party as well, but are not required to bring a gift. If they do, it is usually money or alcohol. A bachelor and bachelorette party need not be raucous or lude. Parties can be as simple as going out to eat or as extravagant as going on a vacation together.
The reception needs to be either at the same location as the ceremony or within 20 minutes of it. The wedding invitations can include the directions, or should be found on your wedding website. Handing out directions after the ceremony can be chaotic, but this is still customary. It is always advisable to have both the ceremony and reception at the same place.
Everyone knows that guests do not like to wait around a long time for the food while the bridal party is taking pictures, so here are some helpful hints for avoiding this atrocity. Some couples no longer adhere to the superstition that seeing each other the day of is bad luck. If so, they may opt to get the pictures out of the way before the ceremony-either that morning or the day before. If the couple honors the superstition they may take pictures with their own families and friends before the ceremony, and then with each other afterwards.
Pictures can be wonderful but some really are tasteless. It is popular to take a picture of the party jumping up in the air, tossing their bouquets like its graduation day, and lifting up their skirts/pulling down their pants in jest. This is plain ridiculous and idiotic! Just today I saw a picture of a bride and groom sitting on some stairs, both with legs spread apart and her dress wide open. It is preposterous and disgusting. I do not know exactly why these things are popular now, but I hate them and wish they would stop. I especially detest the light saber pose that many nerd groomsmen take nowadays. Hideous. Pictures need to be lighted correctly and show everyone in the picture fully. A good background is important but staging is too.
At The reception the DJ or Band leader usually announces the bridal party. They all sit down and make toasts. The bridal table should be decorated, as well as every other table in the room. The parents sit at tables just below or in front of the bridal table (which is facing the guests). After toasts (which should be short and sweet and not go into boring detail or tell unrelated rambling stories) the couple kisses and then people are served. Having a buffet dinner is repugnant. Why should the guests have to get up and stand in line like they are at golden corral? for that matter, the food is usually worse than golden corral and the lines much longer. They should be relaxing, not vying for a place at the bar or soup station. If you cannot afford to have a wait staff for your guests, cut down the guest list or leave something else out. Buffets are tacky. The only exception to this is an afternoon wedding where only h’orderves, fruit, tea cakes, and cheese are served.
Vegetarian, vegan, diabetic, and allergic options are sometimes offered now. You are under no obligation to do so, but you know your guests and may do as you desire.
The tables should be set with enough room in between the chairs for proper shoulder and arm room. The centerpieces should not be so large as to obstruct the view guests have of each other. The table should not be crowded but should appear full with the effect of every space being utilized. If favors are to be administered they need not be extravagant, but if you can surprise them with the caliber of your gift, good for you! And remember, keep it all in theme!
After dinner the couple proceeds to the cake table and may or may not smash each other in the face with it. The mother of the bride cuts the cake for the bridal party and then the wait staff will take a piece to each person seated. If the cake is multi-flavored and you have assigned seating then you may include the options in your invitation along with the dinner options. If the cake is multi-flavored and you do not have assigned seating, the guests may come up to get a piece. This is not optimal and so I advise one flavor for the cake (even if some people may not like it).
After cake the band or dj begins the dance music and people may proceed to the dance floor/space at their leisure. Do not play music that has offensive language even if it is your favorite song. You have plenty of time to hear it and dance to it later. For now, respect your guests and keep your wild side in check. If a song has one bad word in it and it is very important to you then you may play it, but otherwise, skip it! You do not need to have a mother son, father daughter dance but you may. You can even designate a dance to the bridal party but do not take up too much time with the special dances. If you are serving alcohol at your reception you may see some sexual or reckless dancing. It is the job of the groomsmen to step in and take action if required. If the groomsmen themselves have gotten snookered then an uncle or male guest may intervene. The father is not to be bothered with the matter unless an emergency has occurred.
After the dancing has gone on for a significant amount of time the garter grab may take place. The groom may act silly or sexual during this tradition but there is a point where too much touching is too much. People do not want to see the couple getting busy, even though it is implied that they will be doing it later behind closed doors. After the groom tosses the garter over his shoulder to the bachelors the bride will throw her bouquet over hers to the bachelorettes. If the bride does not want to throw her actual bouquet a cheaper smaller version may be made for the purpose. Sometimes a bouquet will have been made out of the ribbons from the showers and that may be thrown.
The couple may leave now if they wish or remain on as long as they desire. Hopefully the newlyweds will have visited each table during the duration of the evening, thanking the guests for coming and making small talk. This ensures that the guests feel appreciated. Too often someone goes to a wedding and never even talks to the bride or groom. A guest will be hesitant to approach you because they do not want to waste your time, but you are obligated to approach them.
When the couple leaves the venue they may go to an after party, which customarily involves some crazy shit, or they may go to a hotel for the night or start off on their honeymoon immediately. There is no requirement here. They may also leave in whatever transportation they wish. Hopefully, if they do not possess a decent car someone will have lent them theirs.
After the reception the bridesmaids are required to gather up the bride’s belongings and hand them to the mother of the bride or keep them until the bride returns from the honeymoon. The groomsmen do the same. If the venue had been set up by family members then the tearing down should not be done by them. people will need to be hired for this task. Never ask people who have just attended a wedding to help take down the decorations and put away the tables and chairs. They are tired and do not want to take part in such an activity. To insist upon it is the height of rudeness. Hopefully it could be avoided, having guests help set up at all (unless they want to).
So there you go- my small bible dedicated to the wedding, the reception, and good taste.
